I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
