Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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