Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Holy sore nipples Batman
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
