Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
