Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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