dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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