i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
