Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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