I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
