I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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