Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
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you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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