thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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