Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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