I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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