I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The struggles of a small town man whore
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
