my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
