you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
