Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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