Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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