Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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