he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
