I cockslap morals
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
