im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
