i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Is it because I queefed?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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