I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
