oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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