You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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