6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
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I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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