i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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