I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I met the friendliest cop last night
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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