he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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