I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
