Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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