I'm lost and stupid without you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
