Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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