I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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