Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
