First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
