Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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