You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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