Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
