I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
