I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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