Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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