i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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