1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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