You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
