Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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