textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
