I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
