Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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