I didn't shave. On purpose
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
