She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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