mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
