What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
