Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
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On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
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How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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